Survival

I did the best I could to survive,
If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be alive.
I read a lot to make my knowledge thrive,
It was only one way I knew to survive.
I spent many days and nights watching television,
It was part of my little prison.
Constant fantasies of a different life helped me cope,
They were creative and filled with scope.
I escaped the trauma through constant sleep,
The wounds were just too deep.
I pretended to get religion,
It compounded my existing lack of vision.


Many days I thought about suicide,
Because of the pain I had to hide.
Instead, I gave in to my addictions and destructive behaviors,
They became my only saviors.
I survived by constant isolation,
It was of no consolation.
I survived by putting on many masks,
Just so no one asks.
I always strived for perfection,
I don’t see it now when I look at my reflection.
Being funny and cynical helped me to get through the awful years,
I didn’t have to feel the pain or cry the tears.
I did all of these things, what it’s all for?
To save my life and now earn the title of SUVIVOR!

Silence

In silence I dream of living another life,
Life without constant turmoil and strife.
In silence my darkness cries out for help,
But the world does not seem to care,
I dream for a kindred spirit, one who
Will always be there.

In silence my isolation grows,
When it will end I will never know.
In silence it seems my life has passed me by,
It took me forever it seems to understand why.

In silence I have put up the walls so nobody comes in,
If they don’t come down the darkness will win.
In silence I listen to the voices in my head,
Gone astray, that is where they have lead.

From silence I learned to cope,
I have also found that there is hope.
Silence has broken my sensitive wings,
I could never talk about a lot of things.

Silence is not going to set you free
That it is no way to be.
Silence will bind you to the secrets of the heart,
Releasing it is the best place to start.

Once the silence is broken my wings can fly again,
The only question that remains is WHEN?

An Explaination

It seems my last post has sparked some controversy. I guess that is part of being a writer evoking controversy even though no harm was intended. The poem was NOT posted out of any maliciousness or spitefullness on my part. It was posted merely to tell a part of my life.

I am truly sorry however that poeple are angry and hurt by the post. The suggestion was made that I should not post these kinds of things in a public way. I will have to do some thinking on that one.

A Look Into My life

The following poem is very near and dear to my heart. By reading it, I hope the reader gets a sense of the pain and secrets that I have been carrying around with me until I got into therapy in 1997.



I Never Told Anyone

Many nights brother came to my bed; he is such a creep,
I never told anyone, the wounds are now too deep.
He said he would tell if I didn’t do what he wanted,
I never told anyone, those words for a long time haunted.
When he came to me, he raped my heart and soul,
I never told anyone, so I lived my life in a fish bowl.
For years, I blamed myself for the deepest cut of all,
I never told anyone, so I just put up another wall.

I was afraid to speak about what was going on,
I never told anyone, I kept the secret for far too long.
I thought I had to live in total silence,
I never told anyone about the violence.
Dad told us not to talk about what went on
In his house,
I never told anyone, I was quiet as a mouse.
Sometimes I thought about picking up a knife,
I never told anyone, now this secret has destroyed my life.
One day it all stopped and how convenient that no one remembers,
I never told anyone, now it is I who must pick up the embers.

For Sid

The Dream


The dream comes to me in my bed and in the dark of night,
Every time it came, it would cause me fright.
In the dream, someone comes to my bed, breathes in my ear
and down my neck, I tried to scream what the heck!
The dream tries to grab hold of me and I try to fight back,
I am weak strength is what I lack.
I try to scream for mommy but the scream does not come,
I wanted to leap out of my bed and begin to run.
After the dream came, I forced to wake from a peaceful sleep
I tried to go back counting sheep.
I tried to fall back into slumber and the dream returns again,
Some day the dream will stop but for now, I wonder WHEN?